So here’s my problem: my life isn’t so fun right now and I think it should be. A lot of what I do, well lately almost all of what I do seems like endless drudgery. I only get a small amount of pleasure from it – the pleasure of a task completed or a job well done – but not the cerebral satisfaction of doing something I want to do or the ecstatic feeling of exploring new ideas.
I want to be happy and right now I’m not happy or rather not happy enough. Some days I completely hate what I’m doing and if I was crazy enough I would burn it all down… I’m NOT crazy enough – damn!
I’m the kind of person that doesn’t find it easy to solve this kind of problem or rather doesn’t find it easy to stick to what seems like the solution. I know people who are very cut and dried and can weigh the pros and cons, cut to the chase and solve this problem like that (snap). But me, I have to philosophize my way to a solution that is harmonious with my… well my philosophy(s).
So here goes. I want to be happy. This working and thinking about money as the driving force in my life makes me UN-happy. Can I turn this around and reduce money to second fiddle and have my interests and explorations drive my life? Lets say yes. Then what? How do I pay bills? Since I am still a card carrying member of my local branch of society, I need a way to interface my life with it’s demands and expectations – a lot of which centre around money. Jeesh!
That means I somehow need to assign monetary value to my output. I could be arbitrary or low ball the value of my efforts but then I couldn’t survive appropriately so that won’t work. I need a way to bridge the gap between money/income and pure creative intent and I can’t have monetary value stifle the creative intent by guiding, directing or informing it in some overriding way. Sounds simple enough, except I’m one person not of two minds. I’m unable to pretend or forget that I’ve had to assign numerical value to some work or effort I’m engaged in and thus those thoughts enter into and affect my state as I perform my task.
It looks like I need a way to be carefree about the monetary aspects of my efforts – something I’m certainly NOT good at… except perhaps when it comes to spending money. An external manager – a separate person – would be ideal since they could keep the monetary information to themselves and never burden me with those details. Too bad that’s unrealistic for me. I have to find a solution – a balance – where I can function in both worlds/modes without hampering either.
I think discipline might hold the key. A strict internal mental discipline to follow my creative emotional instincts irrespective of money but also to separate emotion from the business of selling. A kind of mental barrier that divides the creative and business elements of my life.
I’m not sure if I’m up to that task. It seems a logical answer to my conundrum but I’m afraid I might be wrong – or perhaps I’m just afraid… to fail.