At times like now I have an incredibly strong emotion welling up, humming and filling me up that I find difficult to explain. It’s akin to a tremendous sadness, coupled with nostalgia but woven through with happiness and pervaded with tremendous love. There is acceptance, apprehension is absent and there is a sense of omnipresence – of an ability to over view past and present equally. It makes me want to experience everything, forget all grudges and angers and makes my heart want to burst. It’s almost more than I can bear. I believe it might be a calm state.
It feels like a subterranean under-current pervasive in all aspects and events of life – some fundamental element that is always there but not always observed or noticed. I want to remember it – keep it present in the fore, dwell in it so I can be mindful and aware of the ever potent moments of life. Although this is my wish, my fatigue and angers wash it away – overwhelm and submerge it in a high tide of jumbled emotions.
Even now as I concentrate on writing this I feel a subtle shift as my awareness of it recedes into the background of my mind. I feel it most when I’m working on images, as I just was before beginning to write this and while quietly listening to music – oddly enough, not so much while I meditate.
Usually meditation feels like my mind unraveling and meandering or if I’m able, a calm quietness and sometimes a centered mental warmth. But this omnipresent hum sad happiness feeling is different. It feels like the lattice upon which our lives our laid. A horizonless plain in which I’m able to move and see the entire relevance of action or emotion in full and in detail.
As I said, I want to dwell in it.