Unnamed Thirty Eight — Sidelong :: (click image to see more)
I find it really difficult to keep my perspective – I’m perpetually in the moment, so it’s really difficult to see growth and change. It’s good to be in the moment for creativity but it leads me to despair when I can’t see improvement – which by definition being in the moment won’t allow.
This issue is tightly bound with memory – which for me at least, photographs are a powerful key for. It’s chicken and egg – which comes first. Am I in the moment because I lack memory or is it being in the moment prevents me from properly creating memory. Whichever, I have real problems remembering specifics of the past except in a general kind of large scale sense.
Am I using photography as a crutch for deficient memory?
Glossy Orange Green Blue Candy Layers, 2013 – Light Signatures :: (click to see more)
The other day I had a very vivid imagining. I’ve had glimpses of this in the past too. I get an over arching sense of my life – I can see the arc of my efforts and encapsulate them as if I’m observing them from a great distance. Its like observing an ant and the futility of its existence. It’s purpose and pursuits are monumental for it yet miniscule in context of the larger world. Its all about context.
Finding purpose in my life is entirely contextual. I have purpose of the moment all the way up to lifelong purpose. But when I think that large and beyond I struggle with perspective and despair.
Oddly, despite this struggle I still harbour fears when it comes to pursuing goals outside my comfort zone. Logically you would think with an outlook like this I would be fearless in the pursuit of new things – and yet I am not – at least not always.
At times I can be fearless – not reckless per se – although some might consider me so. I’m trying to work out exactly how it is I can be fearless in one moment yet entirely fearful in another. Its nonsensical, but there has to be some reason behind it. If I could sort this out I should be able to eliminate my fearful reactions – which would be a huge benefit I think. It would be so invigorating to be free of fear.
Just imagining it now is lifting a great weight off my shoulders.
To be decisive and clear headed – that is my goal.
