The other day I had a very vivid imagining. I’ve had glimpses of this in the past too. I get an over arching sense of my life – I can see the arc of my efforts and encapsulate them as if I’m observing them from a great distance. Its like observing an ant and the futility of its existence. It’s purpose and pursuits are monumental for it yet miniscule in context of the larger world. Its all about context.
Finding purpose in my life is entirely contextual. I have purpose of the moment all the way up to lifelong purpose. But when I think that large and beyond I struggle with perspective and despair.
Oddly, despite this struggle I still harbour fears when it comes to pursuing goals outside my comfort zone. Logically you would think with an outlook like this I would be fearless in the pursuit of new things – and yet I am not – at least not always.
At times I can be fearless – not reckless per se – although some might consider me so. I’m trying to work out exactly how it is I can be fearless in one moment yet entirely fearful in another. Its nonsensical, but there has to be some reason behind it. If I could sort this out I should be able to eliminate my fearful reactions – which would be a huge benefit I think. It would be so invigorating to be free of fear.
Just imagining it now is lifting a great weight off my shoulders.
To be decisive and clear headed – that is my goal.