A couple days ago I reviewed some project notes from ten years ago which brought me right back to how I felt at the time – confused and struggling. I sat and calmed myself because it really put me back in the old mindset and I realized – a LOT has changed in ten years.
I’m a very different person now and have accomplished much in that time but until I thought about it all I’d never considered them representative of a ten year block of life.
Phew, because wow – what a panic those notes evoked.
This morning I was considering what shape my next project might be. While I’m still very much interested in the intersection of time and rhythm I’m not certain how else to address them. They’re both fairly abstract concepts photographically and well, the resulting five bodies of work have been abstract too.
I’ve long been drawn to another form of intersection – which I’ve mentioned in the past as Alignment – when disparate elements unite to form a sum greater than the parts. This too is time based in that it can only happen at the right moment and is typically fleeting. I consider Alignment part of the quantum universe – ie when not observed it’s doesn’t necessarily happen but rather is a probable outcome. Photographically, Alignment is both figurative and representative but usually not thematically bound – therefore difficult to gather into a full complement.
I’m struggling. I’m at the end of Light Signatures and trying to work out what my next project will be about. I’ve had some ideas and done some tests – but, they’re not working. I’m not happy with the results. Too cliche, not possible the way I’d imagined or just too difficult and cumbersome to execute.
I’m sure you can tell from my lack of words these past weeks, how stuck I’m feeling. That too is cliche though – the blocked creative. Argh.
Well on the bright side I’ve been out shooting at least.
Wish me luck.
Occasionally during a moment of calm I’ll get this overwhelming sense of impending boredom. Its a weird kind of feeling I think has something do with extreme compartmentalization – something I’ve never been too good at, yet somehow I’ve managed to achieve. It’s as though I have a complete and detached overview of all the campaigns and projects of my life. I see that nearly all the spare space that would normally accommodate random possibility in my life has been squeezed out of existence by these projects.
Its at once demoralizing and uplifting. I feel pride at the efficiency but boredom with the mundane grind. My life became a chaotic mess after our son was born and from that froth of random non-direction I’ve managed to set my life on a course. I’ve much to accomplish and nowhere near enough time to do it in. But… is this the right way to live? I don’t know. I have a tendency to swing from one extreme to the other it seems.
While I think its important to have goals and direction I also think its important to embrace the process of living. I’m wondering if proceeding on such a rigid set of goals precludes embracing the process of living or if the process of living need be random. Random in the sense of not planned out beforehand – blown where the wind takes me.
Am I just pining for the old days when I had spare time and went out with friends? Perhaps. But when I do suddenly have spare time I’m at a loss for what to do with myself. It feels like I’ve fallen off a cliff – I’m in free fall. I do think on the list of tasks or projects but then I think… nah. Its a rare moment of free time – time for myself. Take it as such – don’t squander it on the stuff you already have to do the rest of the time.
When all is said and done I’m sticking with my projects and campaigns. They’re laying the groundwork for greater things – building a framework from which to hang future goals. I’ve worked hard to choose, define and refine them. Now I have to defend them – but not at all costs. Again it comes down to balance. It’s alright to be goal driven as long as you remain present – experiencing the process of reaching the goals – enjoying the fruits of your labours. That’s life.