Nothing To Fear
Green Oscillating Line On Orange Green Streaks, 2011 – Light Signatures :: (click to see more)
Oh, if that were only true. It seems my life is governed by fear. In reflection yesterday on my general fear, I began to itemize the main issues I’m fearful of. Without airing my dirty laundry – too much: fear of money, fear of relationship, fear of age/death, fear of failure. Did I miss any of the big ones out? I know you think I’m crazy. Well, I guess I am.
My body is so cramped up from my constant preoccupation with fear that I can hardly bend over. I’m like a hunched over stiff prematurely old man. This nonsense has to end in my life. Its taking up far too much of my precious time and effort.
I repeat my mantra – don’t be afraid – constantly lately, but I don’t feel a change. Could it be loosing its power with regular flippant repetition, or is it that the changes in me are so slight and ongoing that I am unable to see them. The latter I hope. Whatever the situation, fear has got to go or at the very least be put into perspective – rather than occupy an overarching position in my psyche.
There have been times in my life when I was completely without these fears. I had much less responsibility. I was free to think and do. I’ve assumed some heavy burdensome responsibilities that I’m not coping with too well. I’ve woven a tangled web of interconnecting dependencies that make it difficult/impossible to easily extract any one of these things from my life. Perhaps that is best, since I find all of them an essential and necessary foundation for my future.
I need a way to effectively cope with my burdens. I see my friends, family and associates are laden with similar burdens and struggling in their own ways. Coping mechanisms abound – all of them involve crutches of one form or another. I’ve seen no one with a solid reliable solution – not even in the wider world – other than be meditative, introspective and aware.
Is this the only effective answer to the pain of life?
Is this what it means to be mature?
If so – I’m not impressed.
