Re-repaired my lens yet again. Last week it hurled itself off my bike onto the road in a surprise protest against the constant jolting vibrations which shook it apart. It’s now taped together with black electrical tape – a LOT of tape and yet surprisingly it still works, well no, it works in the way that I need at the moment – a fixed length, fixed focus lens. Lets see how long that holds out.
It’s at times like these that I get a little aimless. I’ve recently finished up a major task and need to get onto the next one. Trouble is, I kind of need to pick which one to do next and none of them are jumping out at me saying – pick me, pick me. This isn’t such a good state of mind for me. I don’t like to be idle – unless I’m taking a break. I like to keep busy – not overwhelmed, but active and doing things.
This is a huge understatement and I’m sure if Nicky my wife is reading this she’ll be chuckling to herself. Generally speaking I’m always (over)busy with something or other in some aspect of my life. But overall I don’t like to be aimless – it gets me worried and worse than that, I get bored and then… dun, dun, dun – grumpy – read, unbearable to live with.
If I don’t manage to get properly latched on to the next task in sequence I tend to get horrendously side tracked into who knows what – kind of mad scientist like. My mind flits about from the interest of the moment and doesn’t properly focus on a useful task. So its better if I’m able to manage myself and know what my next task will be so I can mentally prepare myself as I take a relaxing breather between tasks.
Boredom has always been the bane of my existence. The flip side of that for me has been lack of focus. So I’m either excruciatingly bored or from boredom I’ll seek some insane idea that I’ll pursue to the Nth degree. Okay, its not quite that bad… anymore. I have – I suppose – matured or something and its not quite as bad as it was. But there was a time when this was exactly what I would do. As of late, I have somehow managed to wrest some semblance of direction and order in my chaotic approach to choosing what’s next.
I’m not entirely sure why this has happened. Maybe it’s some combination of aging, experience or responsibility. Whatever it is, I see that my son has some of these tendencies and I’m working hard to help him learn focus early. I think it’ll serve him well in life to know his mind and be decisive.
I spend of lot of my time thinking ahead about projects I want to complete. I’m very goal focused – which from time to time leads to crushing depression when I fail those goals. I’ve been noticing how unhappy I’m feeling lately – despite managing to accomplish a great deal and methodically meeting many of my goals. I decided to try and spend less time in my head planning and analyzing new projects and how I can fit all these glorious little nuggets together into the perfect jigsaw puzzle that will become my life and instead to exclusively focus on the present – the now – the moment. This is… impossible, well – difficult at least.
I’ve been feeling crushingly nostalgic about things I’ve done, people I’ve known, moments I’ve experienced, places I’ve been etc and it dawned on me that perhaps I was nostalgic because I wasn’t paying enough attention to them when they were actually happening. That instead of being in the moment fully experiencing them, I was off somewhere in my head planning away my future – looking past the horizon.
I still think it’s important to plan and to have plans… but… maybe I need a better balance of present and future in my life. Something more in line with that life is a journey not a destination idea.
It’s only been a few days so far – but I’m feeling a bit better and a lot less futile about my existence. I still have BIG plans and lots of ideas and goals – of course, but I’m trying really hard to let them simmer in the background while I smell the air and listen to the sounds – and try to be a little less self-absorbed. Difficult, but worth it.
I think if you boil down all your life’s actions, plans, goals etc, it all comes down to this:
Did you have a good time?
And if that is the FINAL word on life – then why not focus on it.
I have a tendency toward impatience for change. I have a clear goal visualized in my head and expect it to happen essentially immediately. Yeah, I know just how immature this is – its an emotional issue. Intellectually I know this is ridiculous and impossible, but emotionally, I want it now! wah!
The thing is, I can usually keep this in check – that is usually – until I am fatigued then my emotional side quite readily gets the better of me. And when it does I tend toward depression that all my dreams are not coming to completion IMMEDIATELY.
I recognize that everything takes time to unfold, that its the journey not the destination and anything worth doing will be difficult. And typically these concepts are not a problem for me – indeed I rise to greet their challenge with excitement and vigor. But when I’m low, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders so crushingly that I almost can’t function – it’s brutal.
I have to constantly remind myself not to run myself down, to get enough rest and to pace myself, but I’m rambunctious by nature and easily excited by the possibilities of everything I lay my mind to. When I’m able to harness that excitement for useful projects its amazing what I can achieve in a short time but when that excitement blares away like an untended fire hose, it flies around knocking other things over wasting precious energy while flailing about at nothing in particular.
Focus – is what I’m gradually – glacially – learning as I grow older and hopefully more mature, so I can direct the fire hose of excitement in my mind with useful intent. The ability to keep my attention trained on a single particular goal – not just any particular goal, but a mental committee, carefully considered, stamped with approval, designated, grade A goal – one that I’ve decided is worth committing time and effort to. Sure I can concentrate on single goals at any given time – its just that I don’t want to waste my precious life concentrating my efforts on pointless tasks or ideas.
The difficulty I have is self doubt as I’m focused on a task. For example, is this task REALLY the one I want to dedicate myself to? Is this task the one I SHOULD be concentrating on first vs that other task I also decided to do? These are the self-doubts and self-flagellation I endure while working focused on something – usually during a particularly onerous segment or when I would really rather be elsewhere. I suppose one could argue that having these thoughts in the midst of a task signifies a certain LACK of focus and I suppose that’s true. Well that’s just one more thing I have to learn on my long road to maturity.
Ah well, here’s to keeping focused ,which hopefully results in great accomplishment.
I was reading an interesting article in NewScientist which caught my eye about an elusive mental state commonly known as “flow”. It seems for some time now people have reported achieving this flow state typically after they have become fairly proficient at whatever it is they’re doing. When they enter a flow state their task becomes effortless and time passes unnoticed.
For some time scientists thought this was hokey nonsense but apparently recent research indicates that it is in fact real and can with some electrodes on the head etc be invoked at will, even if the requisite proficiency doesn’t exist.
What caught my eye was the description of flow – “that feeling of effortless concentration that characterizes outstanding performance in all types of skills.” There have been times when I’m processing image files – retouching, masking, finessing, what have you – that I feel this same way. I recall working for what seemed like only minutes on images for the Metro Motion series late into the night – completely absorbed and intuitively honing the images to the place I wanted. The same thing happened while working on Coloured City.
I’ve always considered these working sessions joyful and pleasant. They were accompanied by music that perfectly matched my groove and mood – so much so I decided to title some of Coloured City after the music I was listening to while working. I think these sessions were flow.
When you’re in a flow state, everything just works perfectly. There is no disappointment or second guessing, you just work decisively, confidently and happily on your task. I had always thought music was the key to activating this for me – perhaps it is to some degree and perhaps it isn’t the only essential element. But now that I’ve read more about flow I think I’m going to have to experiment a little to see how I can more easily and readily enter a flow state while working.
At the risk of sounding foolish – I’ll say it feels euphoric and fulfilling to work this way and somewhat boundless – like anything is achievable. All very satisfying components for working on what you love.